Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize