I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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