I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
