We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
