How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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