i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
