Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize