she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize