it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
