I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize