He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize