Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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