it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
