apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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