theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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