I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
