But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I forget how to act sober
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
