a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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