Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
