Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
