just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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