i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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