i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
