you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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