I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
