I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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