We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize