so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
