Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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