your parents love me but you hate me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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