I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
