Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
