Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
