I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
