I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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