Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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