i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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