That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
