The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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