can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize