12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im holly from the hills drunk
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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