Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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