an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
