$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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