she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
