New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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