We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize