Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
