I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
