omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I wish there were birth control emojis
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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