Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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