I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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