shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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