cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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