there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
