I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
