Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
