New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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