I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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