I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
