Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
