I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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