Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
