Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
